Bloodyday Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 angles in pain scream in silence spreading all over universe souls still mourn since paradise lost smiles no more wicked black holes staring at faded sunshine i am watching my world dying Apocalypse begins! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_con Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 Well, true, true- on the other hand too quick and hard, in my opinion. Now that does not mean that anything is wrong with the pieces, which is lean and mean- only that "I" as a reader did not feel the urge or 'aha' of what appears to me, to be obvious. Which does not, in anyway detract from the excellent word choice, the clarity or the worth- Just hit me in a way that your poems usually do not- a sense of yes and so? Once again, well written and formed, just not my usual engagement... Many Thanks! DC Quote thegateless.org Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pawn shop Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 These could be heavy-metal lyrics with a concert blasting at high volume...... the crowd goes wild in the clouds of pot smoke !! I think it would be cool for a band to do it ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 I like this part the most: Bloodyday wrote: smiles no more wicked black holes staring at faded sunshine The way you describe the eyes is clutch! pawn shop wrote: These could be heavy-metal lyrics with a concert blasting at high volume...... the crowd goes wild in the clouds of pot smoke !! I think it would be cool for a band to do it ! Heavy metal ... or a trance mix with a ghostly churn! Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waxwings Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 I like that the lines seem significant parts of a intriguing notion, but look like they were thrown together in a hurry. I concur w/ some of the 'doubts' expressed by dr_con. My prime disappointment is that there are some clichees and some temporal confusion as between "still" and "since", esp. preceding Paradise Lost, one of the clichees, Apocalypse Now being the other. One idea is that doing it a la cummings you manage to NOT separate thoughts as he would. I think this poem could rock, at lest for me, if perhaps you can enlighten my quibbles. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 angles in painscream in silence spreading all over universe souls still mourn since paradise lost smiles no more wicked black holes staring at faded sunshine i am watching my world dying Apocalypse begins! Hard poem Rony. I love to read poems like this one. It hits, it's general opservation. The expression of angels in pains is strong. It's sad and looks like a miror of the world today. Thank you for sharing. Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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