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Poetry Magnum Opus

Apocalypse now!


Bloodyday
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angles in pain

scream in silence

spreading all over universe

souls still mourn

since paradise lost

smiles no more

wicked black holes

staring at faded sunshine

 

i am watching

my world dying

Apocalypse begins!

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Well, true, true- on the other hand too quick and hard, in my opinion. Now that does not mean that anything is wrong with the pieces, which is lean and mean- only that "I" as a reader did not feel the urge or 'aha' of what appears to me, to be obvious.

 

Which does not, in anyway detract from the excellent word choice, the clarity or the worth- Just hit me in a way that your poems usually do not- a sense of yes and so?

 

Once again, well written and formed, just not my usual engagement...

 

Many Thanks!

 

DC

thegateless.org Come on over and check out my poetry substack y'all;-) Or if your bored, head to the Zazzle store: https://www.zazzle.com/store/gateless. If you buy anything I lose a bet, so consider that before you violate the digital rules.

 

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These could be heavy-metal lyrics with a concert blasting at high volume......

the crowd goes wild in the clouds of pot smoke !!

I think it would be cool for a band to do it !

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I like this part the most:

Bloodyday wrote:

 

smiles no more

wicked black holes

staring at faded sunshine

The way you describe the eyes is clutch!

 

pawn shop wrote:

 

These could be heavy-metal lyrics with a concert blasting at high volume......

the crowd goes wild in the clouds of pot smoke !!

I think it would be cool for a band to do it !

Heavy metal ... or a trance mix with a ghostly churn!

 

Tony icon_smile.gif

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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I like that the lines seem significant parts of a intriguing notion, but look like they were thrown together in a hurry. I concur w/ some of the 'doubts' expressed by dr_con. My prime disappointment is that there are some clichees and some temporal confusion as between "still" and "since", esp. preceding Paradise Lost, one of the clichees, Apocalypse Now being the other. One idea is that doing it a la cummings you manage to NOT separate thoughts as he would.

 

I think this poem could rock, at lest for me, if perhaps you can enlighten my quibbles.

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  • 3 weeks later...
angles in pain

scream in silence

spreading all over universe

souls still mourn

since paradise lost

smiles no more

wicked black holes

staring at faded sunshine

 

i am watching

my world dying

Apocalypse begins!

 

 

Hard poem Rony. I love to read poems like this one. It hits, it's general opservation. The expression of angels in pains is strong. It's sad and looks like a miror of the world today.

 

Thank you for sharing.

 

Aleksandra

The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

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