dedalus Posted May 26, 2009 Share Posted May 26, 2009 Two little steps to the granite edge as the ocean three hundred yards down roils and boils below. One little jump and it's all over. One little jump, a single forward step: dizziness. Hands and arms grab me and there are rough voices as Marie comes running. It was nothing. It was nothing. I shall come again alone, if nothing changes. http://www.transitionsabroad.com/publicati...fs_of_moher.jpg (rest easy -- I'm not thinking of ending it all just now: too many poems to write!) Quote Drown your sorrows in drink, by all means, but the real sorrows can swim Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rhymeguy Posted May 26, 2009 Share Posted May 26, 2009 Beautiful, simple and honest. You give us just enough to set the scene then let us go. The last 2 lines finish the story with delightful certainty. When I looked at the picture it was just as I imagined it from the first verse- stark, endless and final. rg Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waxwings Posted May 26, 2009 Share Posted May 26, 2009 One quibble. Should the "as" in L3 be a "while" or something of that sort, i.e., dot he little steps do something that is done in the same way that the ocean. "roils and boils". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lake Posted May 26, 2009 Share Posted May 26, 2009 Hi dedalus, It's beautiful, breath catching. Thanks for your note at the end. What a relief. waxwings, sometimes, I can't distinguish the difference between "as" and "while" when both work as a conjunction. You're very sensitive to the usage of the English language. Cheers, Lake Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted May 26, 2009 Share Posted May 26, 2009 What an image -- thank you for including it -- and what imagery! The three hundred yards down and the way the ocean "roils and boils" heightens anticipation. This repetition is especially effective: It was nothing. It was nothing. The speaker's trifling makes it real. The layout's perfect. I like how you set apart dizziness. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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