The Price Is...?

[waxwings]

Pretty flower, tell me

why did you grow

at the end of my world,

the dry windrow.

Tell me then why

should I not chance and take

your bosom-bright blossom.

 

There’s a price for the break!

 

I took the dare,

broke slender stem.

My blood ran, crimson,

down her green hem.

I bound my hand....

it healed quite soon.

As for loosing my heart,

it was worth the perfume.

[JoelJosol]

Waxwings, I thought you had too many b's in last line of your first stanza. Which part of the flower should I consider 'bosom'? I had a problem painting the picture there.

[tonyv]

I have a few syntactical and punctuation suggestions, Waxwings. I incorporated them into the version below. Please disregard my modifications if they butcher your poem and intent.

 

 

Pretty flower, tell me:

why did you grow

at the end of my dry

windrow? Tell me, why

should I not chance and take

your bosom-bright blossom?

 

There’s a price for the break!

 

I took the dare and broke

the slender stem.

My blood ran -- crimson! --

down her green hem.

I bound my hand; it

healed quite soon.

As for losing my heart,

it was worth the perfume.

 

 

While your line break at the end of L1 serves as a pause, I think it needs to be more pronounced. I considered a comma and even an ellipsis (to denote pensiveness), but I think this is the place for a colon: you implore the flower to tell you! A question mark is in order after that.

 

Then, I would let the reader deduce the part about the world and go straight to the windrow. I had to look that one up -- at first I thought it was a typo meant to be window, but that wouldn't make much sense, would it? -- and found it to be a most lovely and fresh image. I would use a comma in lieu of then, after the repetition of tell me, for a more subdued follow-up question feel.

 

To me, bosom-bright seems evocatively poetic; I would keep that. And I like the one line which separates the stanza. It serves almost like a volta.

 

I think the last verse would be better served with a conjunction in the beginning (rather than the comma splice) and a semicolon (or even parentheses -- I know you hate them in a poem!) instead of the ellipsis to establish, as an aside, the act of the hand healing after being bound and tended to with first aid. I would also set apart the word crimson with em-dashes and an exclamation point. I presume you meant lose instead of loose in the penultimate line.

 

I liked the rhyme of grow/windrow, the alliteration of ran/crimson/soon, and the mix of both in blossom/stem/hem/perfume. The title (and the poem itself) made me think of Aleksandra's poem Hyacinths.

 

Again, please disregard my ramblings if they're off the mark. I like the poem and how it makes me feel.

 

Tony

[badger11]

I've just finished the novel 'Perfume' and felt there was a similar moral vacuum at the poem's heart.

 

I enjoyed the surprise of 'hem' on my first reading. I agree with JJ that the 'b''s slow the flow.

 

cheers

 

badge

[waxwings]

^{JoelJosol wrote:}

 

Waxwings, I thought you had too many b's in last line of your first stanza. Which part of the flower should I consider 'bosom'? I had a problem painting the picture there.

 

Interesting. I had expected a much different criticism. It is the blossom, the collection of the petals of a flower that I describe as bosom-bright, a compound adjective. I cannot, at this point reveal more, except that by "bosom" I mean a woman's breast. The poem is meant to be allegorical and may loose its impact if I explain what the allegory/metaphor is. If others here are similarly bothered/confused by it, I have not accomplished my intention and will have to revise/rewrite it.

 

BTW, I just read it in public yesterday and heard no comment re the b's from my poet friends. The poem was projected on a screen and all could read it, but there can be considerable differences between various audiences/readers.

 

I am not defending the poem as good and unquestionable. I would really appreciate your reasoning/opinion, because there are arguments for and against certain types of repetition, or the manner of doing it.

[waxwings]

^{tonyv wrote:}

 

I have a few syntactical and punctuation suggestions, Waxwings. I incorporated them into the version below. Please disregard my modifications if they butcher your poem and intent.

Tony

 

That is quite an effort, Tony, and I thank you for it, because I have had some qualms about this poem. Nothing wrong with rambling, and yours is not aimless. I am giving you a right to question whatever seems not the best, in your opinion. I can always respond in a way to find what we may agree upon, as I am doing now.

 

A major point is: your rewrite uses longer lines and a different rhythmic pattern, more regular than mine and with a different emotional feel. I opted for shorter line lengths at the outset to represent a certain breathlessness I felt when the poem idea came to mind, and then went to longer lines when turning more pensive re the outcome. Can you buy that?

 

I will add my reactions re the actual edits a bit later, or I will lose track of what I need to ask help for.

[waxwings]

I've just finished the novel 'Perfume' and felt there was a similar moral vacuum at the poem's heart.

 

I enjoyed the surprise of 'hem' on my first reading. I agree with JJ that the 'b''s slow the flow.

 

cheers

 

badge

 

 

 

I started reading that novel years ago and could not keep on going. Tell me your take on "moral vacuum" in that novel and don't be afraid to word the specifics of that in this poem. Not saying it is impossible you see/feel something I have missed. I may even say what triggered the poem.

[badger11]

We destroy what we consume and I felt there was no regret.

 

Just a thought

 

badge :0)

[tonyv]

^{waxwings wrote:}

 

I can always respond in a way to find what we may agree upon, as I am doing now.

But we really don't have to agree at all ... After all, it's your poem. I'm simply giving my impressions, which are based upon my own (limited) experience. I enjoy having access to all the wonderful poets here, being able to get firsthand information from them as far as inspiration and choices re technique are concerned, and I enjoy the discussions we have.

^{waxwings wrote:}

 

A major point is: your rewrite uses longer lines and a different rhythmic pattern, more regular than mine and with a different emotional feel. I opted for shorter line lengths at the outset to represent a certain breathlessness I felt when the poem idea came to mind, and then went to longer lines when turning more pensive re the outcome. Can you buy that?

Of course! I had not even considered those aspects. That's why what I said above holds true: it doesn't matter what I say about it, because it's your poem. And it's irrelevant that I didn't pick up on the relationship between the content and the form. It's likely that a more astute and experienced reader would have caught those things.

 

I like how you have explained some of your choices re the form and the reasons behind them. From exchanges like this, I learn, and they serve to remind and reinforce the things which I already (should) know.

 

Tony

[waxwings]

^{tonyv wrote:}

^{waxwings wrote:}

 

I can always respond in a way to find what we may agree upon, as I am doing now.

But we really don't have to agree at all ... After all, it's your poem. I'm simply giving my impressions, etc. Tony

 

^{waxwings wrote:}

 

A major point is: your rewrite uses longer lines and a different rhythmic pattern, more regular than mine and with a different emotional feel. I opted for shorter line lengths at the outset to represent a certain breathlessness I felt when the poem idea came to mind, and then went to longer lines when turning more pensive re the outcome. Can you buy that?

 

^{tonyv wrote:}

 

Of course! I had not even considered those aspects. That's why what I said above holds true: it doesn't matter what

I

say about it, because it's your poem. And it's irrelevant that

I

didn't pick up on the relationship between the content and the form. It's likely that a more astute and experienced reader would have caught those things. Tony

 

Those aspects are not easily seen even by those more experienced, because they are not unavoidably determinable, even if there is some generalized notion of what shorter vs. longer lines can do, and that can vary depending on the metric foot/feet used, that is if there is even a mixed meter.

 

So, don't sell yourself short.

 

^{tonyv wrote:}

 

I like how you have explained some of your choices re the form and the reasons behind them. From exchanges like this, I learn, and they serve to remind and reinforce the things which I already (should) know

Tony

 

That's good to know, but remember the latter part of the above goes for me too.

[pawn shop]

nice......there was a fradrance in the air today.....

[waxwings]

^{badger11 wrote:}

 

We destroy what we consume and I felt there was no regret.

 

Just a thought

 

badge :0)

 

It is an open question if a poem should ever be a fiction. In this, I imagined myself being an older man, single, having become enamoured in a woman considerably younger, trying to get to her, being encouraged and then told to buzz off.

 

I have never been in that position and could hardly care for anyone beyond my wife, but I do believe a poet can create such and other ideas that assume something that never happened. That is why I have thrown this poem to the volves.

 

It could be of educative value/interest to find if you or anyone here could rewrite it to better show the regret, which, though rather fake, I thought I showed, at least to the extent that I have known regret and knew what it felt like.

[waxwings]

^{pawn shop wrote:}

 

nice......there was a fradrance in the air today.....

 

Thanks pawn shop. Now I at least know it was worth writing the poem, no matter its fate.

[badger11]

In this, I imagined myself being an older man, single, having become enamoured in a woman considerably younger, trying to get to her, being encouraged and

then told to buzz off.

 

broke slender stem

 

 

I have misunderstood WW. The word 'broke' suggested to me a 'destructive' act, rather than one unfulfilled.

 

badge

[waxwings]

In this, I imagined myself being an older man, single, having become enamoured in a woman considerably younger, trying to get to her, being encouraged and

then told to buzz off.

 

broke slender stem

 

 

I have misunderstood WW. The word 'broke' suggested to me a 'destructive' act, rather than one unfulfilled.

 

badge

 

The word 'broke' is destructive in the sense applied to a flower, but, this is an allegory, and, when applied yo a woman is fraught with danger as if symbolizing virginity and, since my fictional heroine was not imagined as a young girl, there is a question in my mind what the parallel should be. Maybe, I meant her hart, because the assumption of an older, married man telling her he is could be that.

 

No one else but you noticed the potential of a perhaps missing moral core. Well, it is not likely to be my last experimental poem.

 

Any further thoughts are most welcome.

[Nick Tselepides]

I liked the poem as it is and I disagree with tonyv's --- insertions. Commas are better.

 

But as you may know from my work, I hate all unnecessary punction marks that clutter the visual image of the page and often stop and tire the reader for no good reason.

[Aleksandra]

^{tonyv wrote:}

 

 

Pretty flower, tell me:

why did you grow

at the end of my dry

windrow? Tell me, why

should I not chance and take

your bosom-bright blossom?

 

There’s a price for the break!

 

I took the dare and broke

the slender stem.

My blood ran -- crimson! --

down her green hem.

I bound my hand; it

healed quite soon.

As for losing my heart,

it was worth the perfume.

 

Tony

 

WW your poem it's wonderful. Tony's idea for the punction works a lots better for me. I learned that the punction plays a big role in a poem, I am learning still

 

Thanks for sharing WW this nice poem.

 

Aleksandra