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Jobber Girl


Assaf1981
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David W. Parsley

Hi Assaf, this appears to be a haiku or (more likely) senryu, since it follows the classic 5-7-5 syllable structure - check.  The swimsuit combined with a crowd of spectators also provides a kigo, implying summer - check.  I would like to quarrel with "rowdy" as redundant, but it somehow implies the size of the crowd and even that they are outdoors, which helps imply the season.  Good job.

You are admirably attempting to fit a lot into this poem, which is one of the joys and dangers of the haiku form.  I have three criticisms:

1.  The title is a necessary part of the meaning.  Without it, the reader would not understand that the girl is being forced to perform a sex act on her assailant, which is the fulcrum on which the action turns.  Classical haiku stand alone without the help of the title, and originally appeared without title and usually still do in Japan.

2.  Haiku are intended to capture a scene in nearly photographic detail.  The last line is, by necessity of prior choices in the description, very compressed.  The result is a little ambiguous.  Is the girl being passed around between "wrestlers", or is there one?  What is the gender of this person (if one)?  Is the girl forced to her knees or is she pinned?

3. It is not absolutely required for a haiku to contain a turn, but it IS usual.  This one has no room for one.  Just food for thought, rather than a critique.  Have you considered converting this to a quatrain, or a tanka (if you feel committed to Japanese form for this snapshot)?  Perhaps free form?  Haiku/senryu is not a usual vehicle for such disclosure, though that can be used to ironic effect - felt like a sneaky punch in the eye for this reader!

I sense from the work you are posting here that you are being affected greatly by violence that you see in the world.  Writing poetry can bring a certain amount of catharsis in dealing with such trauma.  Be sure to bring in more of the other elements in life, as you engage with that world and sit down to write.  That's good, too!

Best Regards,
 - Dave

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Assaf1981
39 minutes ago, David W. Parsley said:

Hi Assaf, this appears to be a haiku or (more likely) senryu, since it follows the classic 5-7-5 syllable structure - check.  The swimsuit combined with a crowd of spectators also provides a kigo, implying summer - check.  I would like to quarrel with "rowdy" as redundant, but it somehow implies the size of the crowd and even that they are outdoors, which helps imply the season.  Good job.

You are admirably attempting to fit a lot into this poem, which is one of the joys and dangers of the haiku form.  I have three criticisms:

1.  The title is a necessary part of the meaning.  Without it, the reader would not understand that the girl is being forced to perform a sex act on her assailant, which is the fulcrum on which the action turns.  Classical haiku stand alone without the help of the title, and originally appeared without title and usually still do in Japan.

2.  Haiku are intended to capture a scene in nearly photographic detail.  The last line is, by necessity of prior choices in the description, very compressed.  The result is a little ambiguous.  Is the girl being passed around between "wrestlers", or is there one?  What is the gender of this person (if one)?  Is the girl forced to her knees or is she pinned?

3. It is not absolutely required for a haiku to contain a turn, but it IS usual.  This one has no room for one.  Just food for thought, rather than a critique.  Have you considered converting this to a quatrain, or a tanka (if you feel committed to Japanese form for this snapshot)?  Perhaps free form?  Haiku/senryu is not a usual vehicle for such disclosure, though that can be used to ironic effect - felt like a sneaky punch in the eye for this reader!

I sense from the work you are posting here that you are being affected greatly by violence that you see in the world.  Writing poetry can bring a certain amount of catharsis in dealing with such trauma.  Be sure to bring in more of the other elements in life, as you engage with that world and sit down to write.  That's good, too!

Best Regards,
 - Dave

thanks, dave

 will consider it.

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