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Poetry Magnum Opus

Submission Hold


Assaf1981
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A pretty Asian

young and petite,

in pigtails,

Barefoot,

And wearing a white

Leotard,

Down on the ground,

Down on her stomach,

Screaming, writhing,

While, above her,

A man looms,

An older man!

 

Older, muscular,

Wearing blue pants

Over yellow-and-black briefs

Along with yellow boots,

He looks back,

He looks down,

Leaning back,

Tugging at her legs

While keeping

His butt hovering

Over her spine.

His jaguar mask

Betrays a growl

And hides a look

Of confidence and disdain

As he watches her

Writhe and scream

In intense agony,

Pleading and weeping

For him to release her

while he continues

to bend her backward

in a manner

most unnatural!

.

Meanwhile,

Her legs threaten

To snap in two,

Along with her spine,

As she continues to scream.

She raises her hand,

Preparing to bang

On the wooden floor,

Signifying her submission.

 

Yet the question

Lingers above

Our heads?

Once she submits,

Will he release her

Or torture her more?

Perhaps he’ll tickle

Her bare foot,

Just to taunt her?

 

That’s what you get

For being so cheeky

With your wrestling instructor!

I should know,

Because that girl

Was my best friend

And fellow student!

 

And that,

Dear reader,

Is the story

Behind this painting.

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Assaf1981, the poem rocks, but you need to give us the painting. Give us the album art!

As for that wrestling "instructor," we will need info, location, to establish jurisdiction. There are sources who suggest there will be renditions to Gitmo for such predators who will face military tribunals and executions. I'm talking bags over their heads and hangings by the neck until dead. That, or deaths by firing squad.

Look, I don't know if it's true or a psyop-delusion, but I can't think of a better fate for child predators.

Tony

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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David W. Parsley

First: I share the sense of outrage at this event, the desire to see the perpetrator brought to justice.  I fear you have witnessed and been traumatized by multiple violent crimes, my friend.  Recovery is a journey.

On technical grounds:  There is a lot of telling, rather than showing, in the piece.  And despite the line breaks, it is a bit prosy.  Also, the poem loses urgency and strength through redundancies and unnecessary words and phrases.  Examples include "intense agony" (what other kind is there?), "pleading and weeping", "a look / of confidence and disdain / as he watches her", etc.  I recommend paring the poem down to half the number of words, maybe even a third, then see if there is material that should be brought back or displayed with greater originality.

 - Dave

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