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Poetry Magnum Opus

The fire tinged blue


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"You love me, you love me not."
Till the rose became petalless
Till my mind became leafless
And the fire tinged blue
As the sea.

"You hate me, you hate me not."
Till the hushed snow settles still
Till the morn draws its first whist
Arrow of light and aims it
Right at me.

Till my eyes waken
Till my ribs be shaken
And my lips Quaver of
Unspoken-tremored voice.

-The dream, the nightmare Dissipates-

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This is good poetry.  That said, I don't think you need the last line, the poem has more power without the reduction to the mundane, the ordinary conclusion.

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Hi Omar,  Wow, impactful and memorable.  Loved it, though was a little disappointed that the end line didn't follow suit with the first 2 stanzas with a 3 syllable power statement.   I agree with Terry, I'd lose the last line.

This is really good.


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~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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  • 3 weeks later...
David W. Parsley

Hi Omar, responding to your request for comment:  I won't belabor the last line thing.  I like the natural music of the poem, the original imagery, intriguing title.  But the meaning is not clear to this reader, if one is intended.  Other things to note:

  • First stanza reads past tense, second is present tense, third is conditional.  This progression does not help me arrive at your meaning, may actually unintentionally distract the reader.
  • The only definition I can find for whist is a card game popular in the 19th century.  (Trivia point: Harry Nelson Pillsbury could play a hand of whist while simultaneously playing blindfold games of chess and checkers against several opponents.)  I am not at all practiced in this game.  Is your reference, or is the term an onomatopoeia adjective for the arrow?  It has a pleasing alliteration, but the meaning follows the arrow out of view for this reader.

I hope this helps!

- David

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@David W. Parsley thank you so much for your commentary, I really appreciate that you responded to my request and offer me this decent critique. For the tense changing, I meant love in the past ,hatred in the present and last uncertainty. About the world "whist" I read it in the dictionary, liked it and used it in the poem😂 ( I too didn't know what it meant), it means : silent or quiet. You can see for yourself here https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/whist

Again I sincerely thank you for your critique.



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