Tinker Posted March 31, 2023 Share Posted March 31, 2023 rumbling along revision every Thursday, late afternoon the rumble of trash containers being rolled down to the road breaks nature's silence at my mutable mountain lair, drum roll of erased footprints ~~jvgrumbling along every Thursday, late afternoon the rumble of trash containers being rolled down to the road breaks nature's silence at my mountain retreat time to empty and fill again Verse Form. Cherita Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted April 10, 2023 Share Posted April 10, 2023 Compact Judi. Like it. Our routine intrusions on nature...including the noise pollution! Bw Phil 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David W. Parsley Posted April 12, 2023 Share Posted April 12, 2023 I also like it, Judi, spare and nuanced. Except line 4. What if you struck it or changed to something more sonically evocative (something suggestive of echoing among the pine trunks?)? Perhaps moved line 5 to line 1? Even line 6 may be superfluous to this haiku-esque flash. Just a Thought, - David 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted May 21, 2023 Author Share Posted May 21, 2023 Hi David, I'm finally getting around to this. I am chasing a form here so eliminating a line or moving lines is tricky. But I thought about your suggestions and played with sound an imagery. Thanks ~~Judi Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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