Easter Dinner

[Terry A]

The company brought cheesecake
without the strawberries         I ate it
while thinking of strawberries

I ached so for summer  
so entombed   
                      in the winter
of their visiting ways.

 

[dr_con]

Excellent! 

 

DC

[Tinker]

Terry,  This so resonates with me.

46 minutes ago, Terry A said:

 I ate it
while thinking of strawberries

Ah, a moment captured, and you have no idea how much this resonates with me right now.  

~~Judi

[David W. Parsley]

Timely and true to what is good and what is lacking, Terry.

Thanks,
- David

[Terry A]

Thank you all!  It's joy, joy that is missing, in so small a thing that volumes are spoken by absence.  

[badger11]

Good one Terry. I like the whole, though just having S1 is a resonant option.

You may be interested in this magazine:

http://www.ravennapress.com/alba/submit.html

Bw

Phil

 

 

 

[David W. Parsley]

Might be tighter without "while", single stanza or otherwise.  Just a thought.

Also, if you decide to shorten it, I would consider retaining the first line of stanza 2.  I like the cross-current of that line against the preceding three.  Remaining lines in S2 could be flagged for piling on with a judgement.  All the other lines are showing rather than telling.  Achingly subtle.

 - David

[Terry A]

Thank you Phil, I will check out ravennapress, have not tried submitting any poems to any but forums.

Yes David, judgement. It is one thing to harp at a reader in some self-righteous tirade and yet another to display real feelings captured in real moments.  

Elliot's friends, though they loved him, said it was as if he always wore a mask. And I think his later poems did too.  My little snapshot poems (as I call poems like this) do not. I am not afraid to judge and if lacking some critical insight, am willing to be corrected. 

You are one helpful commentator! I am beginning to think all my poems belong in workshop.