The symmetry of storms

[incantation]

I still read sonnets
But cannot count syllables,
Deliver fire from the
Eyes of angels who 
Counted ten fires, will
The verses of my life be preserved.
I Paint heaven from
The view of my mother's
Womb. No one can
Help me to excavate dreams
Of rusting suns, desolate
Train tracks passing the
Running eyes of time.
I still talk to my
Wife, she left long 
Ago into the drowning skies.
The symmetry of storms,
asymmetrical past, balancing
Forms-who was I yesterday?.
The coherence of 
Music illuminates memory
Into order, code to identity,
As I roam with the melody
Into comprehension, waltz
With the universe and
Rise to the rapture of thunder.

[Terry A]

Well now it is a different poem, far away from the confusion of losing mental faculty, it is a burst of creativity and insight and becomes far larger, far more encompassing of the ways any and all can feel and think at different times.  I liked the first poem because it showed how introverted mental states can become. whereas this poem explodes outwardly with force, with energy, with life.

[incantation]

This poem had elicited quite a response....thanks everyone...

[Tinker]

Barry, Love the new title and the expansion of verse.   ~~Judi

[David W. Parsley]

Barry, this piece moves with unmasked power.  The desire for meaning and preserved experience is raked with individualizing passion.  Nonplussing originality of expression and dazzling insight.  My only suggestion would be for the concluding lines which seem to dissipate (slightly!) the preceding crescendo.

On 4/13/2023 at 10:35 PM, incantation said:

Music illuminates memory
Into order, code to identity,
As I roam with the melody
Into comprehension, waltz
With the universe and
Rise to the rapture of thunder.

I like the ambiguity: is it memory or the order that codifies identity?  Or the music itself?  I also like the conversion of "illuminates" from a passive to active agency.  My problem is a superfluity of subordinate clauses that are not consistent with each other.  Is the speaker roaming (this one seems the less accurate selection of the three activities in this progression) or waltzing or rising?  I would also eliminate the redundant "The coherence of" line: too much explaining for this powerful thing.  The concluding sentence could use some honing, IMHO.

Thanks (I think!),
- David