Can someone review my rewritten poem? Thanks.

[Assaf1981]

For her training sessions,

she bares her feet,

dons PT gear,

and bears a quarterstaff!

 

For her native homeland,

A certain archipelago located

Somewhere on the western pacific ocean,

She wears a pin, showcasing her heritage.

 

For her regiment,

She trains hard,

Preparing to fight the enemy

Wherever and whenever they might manifest.

 

For her fellow humans,

She bravely fights to the end,

Defending us all

From supernatural evil.

 

For her Lord and Saviour,

She pays reverence:

Head bowed, knee bent,

With her quarterstaff by her side.

 

For the twin neon green rings

Hovering just above her head,

Giving off an eerie glow,

She pays no heed.

 

But what are they?

Are they the eyes of a friend,

Sent by her Lord and Saviour,

To guide her and her friends?

 

Or are they the eyes

Of a otherworldly foe,

The likes of which

She is sworn to fight?

 

If they be foes, then for them,

She’ll unleash a series

Of lightning-quick attacks,

Defending us all from supernatural evil.

 

Behold this portrait! See it capture:

All the piety, all the determination,

All the toughness of a spiritual warrior,

warring not against flesh and blood,

but against spiritual wickedness in high places!

Edited May 23, 2023 by Assaf1981
Inserting a photo

[Tinker]

Hi Assaf,  You've asked for a review and I just posted a poem of my own and following the suggestion of this forum to comment on 2 poems for every poem we post, I am here to share my thoughts on your poem.  The following is just one person's opinion.  This is your poem, use what you find helpful here and ignore the rest.

First impression:  No title, what would entice a reader?  Personally, I find it difficult to read,  the way you string out your poem centered on the page.  So as a random reader I would probably pass.  

Frame:   Written centered on the page in 9 quatrains followed by a cinquain without rhyme or any apparent meter or syllabic pattern.  The poem reads musically and fluidly out loud.  The sonics of this piece are more impressive than the visual. 

Texture / word choice:   I thought it interesting that in "her" description in the first stanza she "bears" a quarterstaff, as if she carries a burden.  Reluctant in her quest. I of course kept wondering who she was.  The use of words such as quarterstaff, archipelago, heritage, neon, brought texture to the piece.   

Theme:   This poem suggests some kind of spiritual quest.  "Christian" by nature suggested by the use of "Lord and Savior" twice.

Technical:  Stanza 8  Line 3  typo:  of "an" otherworldly not "a".     And maybe it is just my preference but the use of the colon at the end of L1 in Stanza 10 seems too abrupt. I would not use it.  The stanza will read smoother without it.   

Overall:   This is a nice piece, especially when read aloud.  I kind of wished I had more insight as to who "she" was.  What the pin looked like, what did it represent?  

Thanks for sharing this here at PMO.

~~Tink
 

[Assaf1981]

47 minutes ago, Tinker said:

Hi Assaf,  You've asked for a review and I just posted a poem of my own and following the suggestion of this forum to comment on 2 poems for every poem we post, I am here to share my thoughts on your poem.  The following is just one person's opinion.  This is your poem, use what you find helpful here and ignore the rest.

First impression:  No title, what would entice a reader?  Personally, I find it difficult to read,  the way you string out your poem centered on the page.  So as a random reader I would probably pass.  

Frame:   Written centered on the page in 9 quatrains followed by a cinquain without rhyme or any apparent meter or syllabic pattern.  The poem reads musically and fluidly out loud.  The sonics of this piece are more impressive than the visual. 

Texture / word choice:   I thought it interesting that in "her" description in the first stanza she "bears" a quarterstaff, as if she carries a burden.  Reluctant in her quest. I of course kept wondering who she was.  The use of words such as quarterstaff, archipelago, heritage, neon, brought texture to the piece.   

Theme:   This poem suggests some kind of spiritual quest.  "Christian" by nature suggested by the use of "Lord and Savior" twice.

Technical:  Stanza 8  Line 3  typo:  of "an" otherworldly not "a".     And maybe it is just my preference but the use of the colon at the end of L1 in Stanza 10 seems too abrupt. I would not use it.  The stanza will read smoother without it.   

Overall:   This is a nice piece, especially when read aloud.  I kind of wished I had more insight as to who "she" was.  What the pin looked like, what did it represent?  

Thanks for sharing this here at PMO.

~~Tink
 

Thanks, Tink.

I will, however, comment on a poem or two as I submit new ones from here on in.

THanks for the suggestions.

[Tinker]

Assaf,  Thank you for taking my somewhat snarky comment with such grace.  I actually was returning to soften it a bit when I saw your reply.   To build community and to support the other poets on this board, comments are appreciated from everyone.   We all need to be reminded once in a while.

~~Tink

[Assaf1981]

3 minutes ago, Tinker said:

Assaf,  Thank you for taking my somewhat snarky comment with such grace.  I actually was returning to soften it a bit when I saw your reply.   To build community and to support the other poets on this board, comments are appreciated from everyone.   We all need to be reminded once in a while.

~~Tink

I sent you a PM. Did you get it? It was a picture that goes nicely with the poem.

[Tinker]

No I didn't get a PM from you.  Sorry.  But if you have a picture, click edit on your poem, scroll to the bottom of the window, click "choose files", go to your picture click on add, wait for it upload and then hit insert.  You can adjust picture's position on the page and it's size, then click edit.   Then everyone can see it and I won't be the only one with questions answered.  So this poem is a response to another's art.  Ekphrastic.  Right there answers a lot, but we need to see the art. 

~~Tink

[Assaf1981]

5 minutes ago, Tinker said:

No I didn't get a PM from you.  Sorry.  But if you have a picture, click edit on your poem, scroll to the bottom of the window, click "choose files", go to your picture click on add, wait for it upload and then hit insert.  You can adjust picture's position on the page and it's size, then click edit.   Then everyone can see it and I won't be the only one with questions answered.  So this poem is a response to another's art.  Ekphrastic.  Right there answers a lot, but we need to see the art. 

~~Tink

Done! How do you like the picture?

[Tinker]

Good job and totally different than I expected.  Is the art your work or another?  If you know the artist's name you probably should include it.   

I was kind of expecting a fierce Wonder Woman figure.  The picture doesn't look like a female to me, nor a warrior.  Interesting the perception.  I see a possible indigenous figure, humble, probable servant, showing allegiance.  You actually capture that last part quite well in the 5th stanza.   The rings above seem to hover protectively.  

I love how each poet sees through a different lens.  I would write such a different poem from yours based on this picture.  This is why we celebrate poetry.

~~Tink