Assaf1981 Posted May 29, 2023 Share Posted May 29, 2023 I have a splitting headache because of a strange, ominous machine; An artist dies inside me, thanks to a tyrannical decree! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted May 29, 2023 Share Posted May 29, 2023 Hmmm, "ominous machine" "tyrannical decree" sounds intense. Do you really need the word "because of" ? It kind of waters down the intensity. "from a strange, ominous machine". does the machine emit a sound? a temperature? a visual, light? These are the questions that come to me as I read this. What would kill the artist? Just thoughts that come to me when I read this. ~~Tink 1 Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Assaf1981 Posted May 29, 2023 Author Share Posted May 29, 2023 37 minutes ago, Tinker said: Hmmm, "ominous machine" "tyrannical decree" sounds intense. Do you really need the word "because of" ? It kind of waters down the intensity. "from a strange, ominous machine". does the machine emit a sound? a temperature? a visual, light? These are the questions that come to me as I read this. What would kill the artist? Just thoughts that come to me when I read this. ~~Tink Just google the words 'Sliders', and "Map of the Mind". That was the inspiration. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David W. Parsley Posted June 4, 2023 Share Posted June 4, 2023 Nice to see you experimenting with rhyme and meter, Assaf. - David Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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