A rhyming Quatrain

[Assaf1981]

I have a splitting headache

because of a strange, ominous machine;

An artist dies inside me,

thanks to a tyrannical decree!

[Tinker]

Hmmm,  "ominous machine"  "tyrannical decree"   sounds intense.    Do you really need the word "because of" ?  It kind of waters down the intensity.   "from a strange, ominous machine".  does the machine emit a sound? a temperature? a visual, light?  These are the questions that come to me as I read this.   What would kill the artist?  

Just thoughts that come to me when I read this.

~~Tink

[Assaf1981]

37 minutes ago, Tinker said:

Hmmm,  "ominous machine"  "tyrannical decree"   sounds intense.    Do you really need the word "because of" ?  It kind of waters down the intensity.   "from a strange, ominous machine".  does the machine emit a sound? a temperature? a visual, light?  These are the questions that come to me as I read this.   What would kill the artist?  

Just thoughts that come to me when I read this.

~~Tink

Just google the words 'Sliders', and "Map of the Mind". That was the inspiration.

[David W. Parsley]

Nice to see you experimenting with rhyme and meter, Assaf.

 - David