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Poetry Magnum Opus

My unsettled entity


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Till were rocked by draining blood,
Till soaked the eyes with mud,
Till the ears could not feel the
Pulse of the air.

Till the tides stood still,
Dyeing the cynic sand.
For I artlessly neglect
To live or to be dead.
Till the first worm
Digs a whole In
my thoracic cavity.

Wrenching this trembling
Flickering fearing feathers
Out of my unsettled entity.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi Omar,  Love the image "ears could not feel"  and "cynic sand".  Although I question the tense in L3  could? vs can?  I would use can, it is a stronger more present word and fits with "till".    I also like the assonance and alliteration of the last stanza, really nice sonics.   

The first two lines made no sense to me. " Till" infers moving forward and "were" is past tense.  This is just my opinon, use what helps and ignore the rest.
I liked this poem.



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~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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@Tinker thank you so much, I really appreciate your critique and opinions. You are right, I might consider changing "could" to "can" but the theme of the poem is not to care so much about life little things or even big thing - meaning not to lose our minds over them.so I imagined the worst scenario- to be dead killingly because at the end we all will have a worm living inside our thoracic cavity. So for the tenses, the moment of death and before it would be in the past and after death present.

Thank you again, hope that made more sense.


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