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Poetry Magnum Opus

Palm Boat


Poemme

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Poemme

Ebony skin from the past

From the sun from his mother

This man fixed in the sun

The mind chasing the fish

Watching the water from the beach.

 

The idea

It came like a lone cloud across the sea

And the fragrance

Jasmin and mangos on the ground

Dreams sometimes lie quietly nearby

 

The dried out  palm frond

Floating on the water

Spotted with yellow blossom

From the far off island

Dried and bowed by the sun.

 

Graceful on the water

As it was in the breeze

The way the water carried it

From moment to moment.

Across the water.

 

With its yellow blossom

And siren song

There was music there

A way to sail there

In a hollowed out Koa tree.

 

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tonyv

Welcome, Poemme! What a lovely inaugural submission. Very dreamy/dreamlike, I feel like I’m alone surrounded by tropical waters. 

i’m excited that you’ve joined. Enjoy the site.

Tony

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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Poemme

Thank you. I’m looking forward to being here.

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  • 2 weeks later...
badger11
On 5/7/2024 at 10:15 AM, Poemme said:

Ebony skin from the past

From the sun from his mother

This man fixed in the sun

The mind chasing the fish

Watching the water from the beach

 

The idea

It came like a lone cloud across the sea

And the fragrance

Jasmin and mangos on the ground

Dreams sometimes lie quietly nearby.

 

The dried out  palm frond

Floating on the water

Spotted with yellow blossom

From the far off island

Dried and bowed by the sun.

 

Graceful on the water

As it was in the breeze

The way the water carried it

From moment to moment

To claim the other island.

 

With its yellow blossom

And siren song

A way to sail 

In a hollowed out Koa tree

Between the mind and the dream.

 

Enjoyed the journey P.  The poem had a peaceful quality. 

As an exercise, I removed a line from each stanza. Not a particularly successful exercise, but perhaps one or two of those lines could be revisited.

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Poemme

I like what you did. I’ve looked again at the last stanza. I’m considering removing Koa from that line. The word trips you up a little and isn’t really necessary.

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Poemme

Actually Koa is back in. The line lost the rhythm without it. 

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