Poemme Posted May 7 Share Posted May 7 Ebony skin from the past From the sun from his mother This man fixed in the sun The mind chasing the fish Watching the water from the beach. The idea It came like a lone cloud across the sea And the fragrance Jasmin and mangos on the ground Dreams sometimes lie quietly nearby The dried out palm frond Floating on the water Spotted with yellow blossom From the far off island Dried and bowed by the sun. Graceful on the water As it was in the breeze The way the water carried it From moment to moment. Across the water. With its yellow blossom And siren song There was music there A way to sail there In a hollowed out Koa tree. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted May 7 Share Posted May 7 Welcome, Poemme! What a lovely inaugural submission. Very dreamy/dreamlike, I feel like I’m alone surrounded by tropical waters. i’m excited that you’ve joined. Enjoy the site. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Poemme Posted May 7 Author Share Posted May 7 Thank you. I’m looking forward to being here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted May 20 Share Posted May 20 On 5/7/2024 at 10:15 AM, Poemme said: Ebony skin from the past From the sun from his mother This man fixed in the sun The mind chasing the fish Watching the water from the beach The idea It came like a lone cloud across the sea And the fragrance Jasmin and mangos on the ground Dreams sometimes lie quietly nearby. The dried out palm frond Floating on the water Spotted with yellow blossom From the far off island Dried and bowed by the sun. Graceful on the water As it was in the breeze The way the water carried it From moment to moment To claim the other island. With its yellow blossom And siren song A way to sail In a hollowed out Koa tree Between the mind and the dream. Enjoyed the journey P. The poem had a peaceful quality. As an exercise, I removed a line from each stanza. Not a particularly successful exercise, but perhaps one or two of those lines could be revisited. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Poemme Posted May 20 Author Share Posted May 20 I like what you did. I’ve looked again at the last stanza. I’m considering removing Koa from that line. The word trips you up a little and isn’t really necessary. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted May 20 Share Posted May 20 Koa is a lovely word. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Poemme Posted May 20 Author Share Posted May 20 Actually Koa is back in. The line lost the rhythm without it. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David W. Parsley Posted June 24 Share Posted June 24 HI Poemme, please accept my belated welcome to the forum. I particularly enjoyed the way you tie the sea's undulations bearing the palm frond with its previous existence nodding on gentle breezes. The image moves me in a way that is hard to describe but is quite vivid. Thanks, - David Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Poemme Posted June 24 Author Share Posted June 24 Thanks, David. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terry A Posted June 24 Share Posted June 24 Agree with all. A lovely poem. Skillful foreshadowing in the poem's content leading to the final line. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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