Tinker Posted June 17 Share Posted June 17 Radiance (rewrite 2) Revealed through gossamer wisps the brilliance of the summer sun, a radiant incandescent beam awakens this fertile planet of ours, millions and millions of miles below. Its breadth of light falls upon the earth necessary to nurture and sustain life. Judi Van Gorder Radiance (rewrite 1) Revealed through gossamer wisps the brilliance of the summer sun sends a radiant incandescent beam to awaken this fertile planet of ours, millions and millions of miles below. Its breadth of light falls upon the earth necessary to nurture and sustain life. Judi Van Gorder Radiance (original) Revealed through gossamer wisps the brilliance of the summer sun sends a radiant incandescent beam to awaken this fertile planet of ours, millions and millions of miles below. Its breadth of light falls upon the earth necessary to nurture and sustain life. How often do I take it for granted? Judi Van Gorder Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terry A Posted June 18 Share Posted June 18 A most relevant poem! The sun is our giver of life and I appreciate it being acknowledged. Have been reading the Space weather site- the solar flares have been dramatic and significant this year; they represent spiritually on a planet so dependent on the hardly happenstance nature of their intensity. Eath's warring ways given notice. One small point with your poem (advice given me I am passing on).....don't bring an "I" or you/he/she into a poem at the last, unless you have somehow made a case for inclusion earlier. The last line weakens your poem and is too abrupt. Haha, not that I always follow that advice and some times I hope to find some balance through the title....such as "The Radiance Upon Me" or, whatever. Or even make your last line the title of the poem? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted June 18 Author Share Posted June 18 Yes Terry, Very good advice. I do this no-no way too often. In this poem however, I was actually finished at L7 and added the last L8 because it was inspired by a challenge on another poetry site to read a Robert Frost poem and Robert Louis Stevenson, both referencing celestial bodies and then write a poem in 8 lines (with a 12 hour window which I read at the 6th hour). I needed an 8th line for the challenge, haha Here at PMO, I am removing the 8th line and will take my time and consider it a personal challenge to include a more appropriate line to meet the 8 line challenge even though the challenge is over and a new prompt has been offered. The challenge for today is "Write a Meanwhile Poem" in 8 lines, deadline 12:01 am EST, 9 o'clock here in California. Got a busy day, I probably will not do this one. I really appreciate your responding with the reminder. Yes I'm trying to jump start my muse and write a bit more, but comments like yours help me strive for better. Not everything has a deadline. Thanks, Judi Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terry A Posted June 19 Share Posted June 19 My Muse (inspiration) hates deadlines, so you are a trooper to even partake! And participation in any form is a way to jump start a process, something I need reminder of every now and then. Like the rewrite! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David W. Parsley Posted June 24 Share Posted June 24 Good science in a poetic context, Judi! May I suggest that "radiant" is redundant? Thanks, - David Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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