An Old Cliché, Love

[Tinker]

An Old Cliché, Love
 

Backs to the sea
as the sun
sets on our lives
we stand,
equal partners
bound by a pledge
and a ring.

Our feet firmly
planted on the shore
we lock fingers
to steady each other
on the shifting sands

and face forward
for one more adventure,
committed
to watch our last sunrise
together.
--------                                                                                                             ----Judi Van Gorder

[tonyv]

Whoa, Tinker! I hope this one's not autobiographical. It's obviously not an exercise of a verse form, and something tells me that the "lives" in L3 means "lives together." If this is the next step, I want to know, but I don't want go ... there.

 

Tony

[waxwings]

Tinker said:

Love, An Old Cliché ------------------------

 

Backs to the sea

as the sun

sets on our lives

we stand,

equal partners

bound by time

and commitment.

 

With our feet firmly

planted on the shore

hands joined

in purpose and respect,

we steady each other

on the shifting sands

 

and face forward toward

one more adventure,

prepared

to watch our last sunrise

together.

------------Judi Van Gorder

 

Sweet and most original in the choice of varying length lines. I cannot verbalize enough the praise that the content, the progression and the tropes deserve.

 

I do wonder if the word "Love" is needed in the title. If anything, I'd make it the last word, because it is the appositive to "old clichee".

 

The internal rhyme in L1 of S3 is very nice but perhaps a bit overwhelming. Try moving "forward" to the beginning of the next line.

 

There is a spot or two where you might swap the order of lines. The reason is (my take) that if one can, within a stanza, put lines in the order of increasing stength, i.e., put after others any line that seems a natural consequence of what the earlier lines say. But I need to let this idea to roll around inside my head for a while before being more sure it would work that way in this case.

[dr_con]

Tinker,

 

well, well done- Effective, powerful, and self conscious (cliche in the title) and yet despite the almost 'hallmark' moment, the power of the emotion is clear and transcends the Cliche- Yup, that's the image of our secret desire, the older we get and wonderfully true and false.

 

Many Thanks,

 

DC

[Tinker]

Hi Tony, The poem was inspired by the photo attached. It was a challenge I spotted at another site, to write a poem from what you see in the photo. I wrote what I saw, and of course who I am and my own relationship colors the images. My husband is in his mid 70s and I am fast approaching 70. He had health issues that gave me a scare recently although he is fine now but it does bring up the mortality issue which we "older folk" probably think about more than you "young guys". When I was 21 and falling in love with love, being old and caring for an infirm partner or his possible death or mine for that matter, never occurred to me. Love was forever and so was being 21. 46 years later one's perspective changes. Not to worry Tony.

 

~~Tinker

[Lake]

Tinker,

 

This is beautiful, touching! I've read some love poems but not many like this. It has a positive attitude and it shows you have a young heart. I'm especially moved by your last line

 

to watch our last sunrise

together.

 

When I read it I was thinking "last sunset".

 

Yes, the varied line length just works very well.

Highest regards,

 

Lake

[Tinker]

Hi WW, I appreciate your comments and will need to take a little time to wrap my brain around all that you said. I don't quite understand all of it yet but haven't spent much time thinking about poetry stuff yesterday and today.

 

I deliberately did not use the word love in the poem. I was trying to stay away from cliche phrases. When I saw the photo cliche phrases flooded my head... I took it as a challenge to avoid the pitfall

 

~~Tink

[Tinker]

DC, Thank you... yep the photo is a hallmark photo dredging up all of those emotions that make me cry everytime I watch one of their commercials. What can I say, I am a sucker for that kind of stuff... but thank you for recognizing that I was trying to avoid putting too much of it into my poem.

 

~~Tink

[Tinker]

Thanks Lake, LOL, My body says I'm old but my brain sometimes still thinks like a teenager...

 

~~Tinker

[waxwings]

Hi WW, I appreciate your comments and will need to take a little time to wrap my brain around all that you said. I don't quite understand all of it yet but haven't spent much time thinking about poetry stuff yesterday and today.

 

I deliberately did not use the word love in the poem. I was trying to stay away from cliche phrases. When I saw the photo cliche phrases flooded my head... I took it as a challenge to avoid the pitfall

 

~~Tink

 

 

If you look, I edited my previous to make it perhaps simpler.

 

And I did not say you put the word "love" in the poem, but the poem says "love" through content. That is why I think the title is better w/o the word.

[rhymeguy]

Tinker,

Perhaps one has to have experienced a life time of a single love as it tumbles through a kaleidoscope of changes in order to fully appreciate the beauty of this work. I have and I do. It brings joy to my heart because my heart embraces each word and thought.

And by the way- I get tears in my eyes when I watch Hallmark commercials too.

 

Thanks,

 

rg

[pawn shop]

very wonderful.......

[Aleksandra]

Wonderful poem Tinker. Good thinking and well expressed. You sound as you were the painter of the photo.

 

I love it.

 

Aleksandra

[badger11]

A heartfelt, tender write Tink.

 

badge