Tinker Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 An Old Cliché, Love Backs to the sea as the sun sets on our lives we stand, equal partners bound by a pledge and a ring. Our feet firmly planted on the shore we lock fingers to steady each other on the shifting sands and face forward for one more adventure, committed to watch our last sunrise together.-------- ----Judi Van Gorder Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 Whoa, Tinker! I hope this one's not autobiographical. It's obviously not an exercise of a verse form, and something tells me that the "lives" in L3 means "lives together." If this is the next step, I want to know, but I don't want go ... there. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waxwings Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 Tinker said: Love, An Old Cliché ------------------------ Backs to the sea as the sun sets on our lives we stand, equal partners bound by time and commitment. With our feet firmly planted on the shore hands joined in purpose and respect, we steady each other on the shifting sands and face forward toward one more adventure, prepared to watch our last sunrise together. ------------Judi Van Gorder Sweet and most original in the choice of varying length lines. I cannot verbalize enough the praise that the content, the progression and the tropes deserve. I do wonder if the word "Love" is needed in the title. If anything, I'd make it the last word, because it is the appositive to "old clichee". The internal rhyme in L1 of S3 is very nice but perhaps a bit overwhelming. Try moving "forward" to the beginning of the next line. There is a spot or two where you might swap the order of lines. The reason is (my take) that if one can, within a stanza, put lines in the order of increasing stength, i.e., put after others any line that seems a natural consequence of what the earlier lines say. But I need to let this idea to roll around inside my head for a while before being more sure it would work that way in this case. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_con Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 Tinker, well, well done- Effective, powerful, and self conscious (cliche in the title) and yet despite the almost 'hallmark' moment, the power of the emotion is clear and transcends the Cliche- Yup, that's the image of our secret desire, the older we get and wonderfully true and false. Many Thanks, DC Quote thegateless.org Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted May 24, 2009 Author Share Posted May 24, 2009 Hi Tony, The poem was inspired by the photo attached. It was a challenge I spotted at another site, to write a poem from what you see in the photo. I wrote what I saw, and of course who I am and my own relationship colors the images. My husband is in his mid 70s and I am fast approaching 70. He had health issues that gave me a scare recently although he is fine now but it does bring up the mortality issue which we "older folk" probably think about more than you "young guys". When I was 21 and falling in love with love, being old and caring for an infirm partner or his possible death or mine for that matter, never occurred to me. Love was forever and so was being 21. 46 years later one's perspective changes. Not to worry Tony. ~~Tinker Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lake Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 Tinker, This is beautiful, touching! I've read some love poems but not many like this. It has a positive attitude and it shows you have a young heart. I'm especially moved by your last line to watch our last sunrise together. When I read it I was thinking "last sunset". Yes, the varied line length just works very well. Highest regards, Lake Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted May 24, 2009 Author Share Posted May 24, 2009 Hi WW, I appreciate your comments and will need to take a little time to wrap my brain around all that you said. I don't quite understand all of it yet but haven't spent much time thinking about poetry stuff yesterday and today. I deliberately did not use the word love in the poem. I was trying to stay away from cliche phrases. When I saw the photo cliche phrases flooded my head... I took it as a challenge to avoid the pitfall ~~Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted May 24, 2009 Author Share Posted May 24, 2009 DC, Thank you... yep the photo is a hallmark photo dredging up all of those emotions that make me cry everytime I watch one of their commercials. What can I say, I am a sucker for that kind of stuff... but thank you for recognizing that I was trying to avoid putting too much of it into my poem. ~~Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted May 24, 2009 Author Share Posted May 24, 2009 Thanks Lake, LOL, My body says I'm old but my brain sometimes still thinks like a teenager... ~~Tinker Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waxwings Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 Hi WW, I appreciate your comments and will need to take a little time to wrap my brain around all that you said. I don't quite understand all of it yet but haven't spent much time thinking about poetry stuff yesterday and today. I deliberately did not use the word love in the poem. I was trying to stay away from cliche phrases. When I saw the photo cliche phrases flooded my head... I took it as a challenge to avoid the pitfall ~~Tink If you look, I edited my previous to make it perhaps simpler. And I did not say you put the word "love" in the poem, but the poem says "love" through content. That is why I think the title is better w/o the word. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rhymeguy Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 Tinker, Perhaps one has to have experienced a life time of a single love as it tumbles through a kaleidoscope of changes in order to fully appreciate the beauty of this work. I have and I do. It brings joy to my heart because my heart embraces each word and thought. And by the way- I get tears in my eyes when I watch Hallmark commercials too. Thanks, rg Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pawn shop Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 very wonderful....... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 Wonderful poem Tinker. Good thinking and well expressed. You sound as you were the painter of the photo. I love it. Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 A heartfelt, tender write Tink. badge Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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