rumisong Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 goldenlangur wrote: I hope you won't be offended by the nit pick here - The first half of the tanka flows as one but the final line in the second half: not to be misunderstood does not quite link with what has gone before it. If one were to take the pivot line: the prisoner tells then the question would be what does the prisoner tell? And your L4 answers that but L5 is at a tangent to the pivot line. If one were to write: the prisoner tells of these wrongs perpetrated and misunderstandings then the second half of the tanka works with the pivot. But in tanka we need a final line that haunts, is open-ended and has sonority. Would you consider bringing out this concept of misunderstanding, carrying within it injustice and perhaps torture etc - hints at a great deal of emotional and psychological possibilites? But do please feel free to ignore my suggestion as I could well have got your intention wrong. oh, gl, I think you have my intention here and are quite on the mark with your suggestions... there are two secrets behind this tanka- and one of them Ill share now- the other is too subtle for me to work in just yet, Ill need to think on it for much longer- but maybe when Ive ironed out the last line, the other subtlety's way will reveal itself... the first secret, is that the prisoner is actually thinking not only of his own "innocence"- but he is aware that the misunderstandings go back into his own childhood- that he did not only NOT perpetrate any crime, but that the victimhood here extends far back beyond the events for which he was imprisoned... what these events are are still hidden from me, but this is what I was trying to capture in this... so, the haunting sonority that you refered to was trying to find its way into that last line- but alas, if it reads as far too obscure, then we must cure this... this is why Im thinking that "and misunderstandings" might also lead the reader towards the obvious "conclusions" of why this man is imprisoned- and I want to lead the reader AWAY from the obvious... Im not sticking to the word "misunderstandings" if we can find a better word... but I do hear his hapless plaintive cry- "no no- you misunderstand!" hmm... well now- maybe just that!?? 7 syllables too speaking in low tones care lent to every word published the prisoner tells of these perpetrations no no- you misunderstand! Im not too sure... "not to be..." still seems to hint at the secret a little better here... but if it doesnt "haunt"- if it only obscures? ... help me find something else... I love collaboration! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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